


I Fall Apart

by In_Genius



Series: My Nightmare I Woke Up To [4]
Category: Eminem (Musician), Gangsta. (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Fluff without Plot, Happy Ending, Insecurity, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Romantic Fluff, Songfic
Language: Deutsch
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:55:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29423430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/In_Genius/pseuds/In_Genius
Summary: After the sexy time with Neko Em, the two lay in bed and cuddle. Marshall tries to keep the dark thoughts at bay that often creep up. Then Nicolas asks for his hand in marriage.Songfiction: "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" by Bonnie Tyler, "Totale Finsternis" from the Tanz der Vampire musical
Relationships: Nicolas Brown/Eminem
Series: My Nightmare I Woke Up To [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1508723
Comments: 5
Kudos: 11





	I Fall Apart

Strong arms wrapped around him and a warm body pressed against him. A soft kiss to the nape of his neck.

A cozy purr in Marshall's chest. His body languid in the comfort of their bed and his mind laggard after bliss, defenseless against the cold of feeling hollow and empty and alone creeping up. No energy left for this particular battle. The pillow smelled like stones after cool rain, only a hint of peach sweet and fading. Fading to black, into the hole only taking greedily, insatiable hunger, never enough. Needing to be full but always empty. Nothing but a hole, no feelings, no worth. A waste of life. What was a hole without a dick inside? A bitter sigh left Marshall's throat.

The excited anticipation to be with each other tonight, to celebrate being together for this long and to give one another some special flavored pleasures, wasn't he Nicolas's kitten? No, not anymore. The tail was gone and the ears removed, the slutty outfit taken off. Left was Marshall naked and bare.

"I'm here", the vowels always too long and it always brought a shiver down Marshall's spine. Lips softly kissing his neck.

Eyes too heavy to open, the expanse of darkness behind his eyelids different from the swallowing blackness that was Nicolas's gaze. A pathetic sound of want came out of his mouth. Marshall pressed his body against his boyfriend, sparking again little hot waves in his stomach, reminders of the sweaty, ecstatic, lustful gift. Whispers of praise: Yes, he had been a good kitten for Nicolas. A good little slut that Nicolas loved to take pictures of and loved to spoil with kisses and with cum. Marshall whimpered again, a shaky, high-pitched sound at the memory of exactly that, Nicolas's cum inside him.

Marshall raised a heavy hand to brush through spiky black hair, prompting his boyfriend's gaze to fall on him. The short little nose, thin lips that could grin so meanly, the square jaw. Was he worth being taken care of this tenderly? Rough fingers caressed the skin around his navel, the tattoo of an era long ago. They exchanged warm smiles, almost keeping doubts at bay. Right now all he wanted was for Nicolas to love him truly, completely, eternally. Wet dreams.

"I'm here, Kitten", consonants too soft to understand. The embrace strong and emphatic, every soft touch meant to remove Marshall's doubts.

But his mind always doubted too much. A thorn in his side poking him, reminding him of what he was and what he had and what that meant. He came from a place that hadn't enough but now he had too much: fame, money and distrust. When the cold of doubt and emptiness crept up inside nothing was real. A corner relentlessly digging into his side uncomfortable and annoying. Were they really in love? Five years and Marshall still questioned. Nicolas had given up the only life he'd known so they could be together but Marshall still questioned. Unwilling to sacrifice anything himself.

Five years they'd been in love, not planning to come out in the next five years if he could help it. What was he afraid of? Famously not afraid, pah! Did Nicolas want more? Perhaps going public? A reasonable wish to stop all the hiding and secrecy that was making life difficult, also a symbolic gesture. Perhaps more faithfulness? Five years together but Marshall kept sleeping around with friends, strangers and groupies. Perhaps a family of their own? Nicolas came from a broken home just like him, the family he'd built for himself given up for this - and this was a bad replacement.

"Kitten", always too nice to him. Nicolas shifted closer, the thorn poked more. A little box taken out from his pocket.

Why was he wearing a suit? Marshall wanted to feel skin, especially Nicolas's warm skin with all its tiny scars. Wasn't he worth being cuddled naked? Was Nicolas waiting for the moment to go away? Tired of Marshall being a stubborn asshole, slowly facing the reality that patience wasn't changing him. "I'm fine", he muttered while he felt the glacier of loneliness creeping on top of him. If this was their last moment together, the last time he'd be Nicolas's kitten then … Then what? Only a hole good to be used up and thrown away. He'd been thrown away a long time ago.

Fingers softly raked through the spiky black hair and Marshall got lost one last time in the swallowing vastness of Nicolas's eyes that knew no light. He wanted to hold on to this, the too nice words and too fond touches and too soft looks and too loving smiles. Being Nicolas's kitten in all the slutty glory it deserved was a good way to end this on. A good summary of the last five years. A last celebration of them and a last indulgence of what Marshall had to offer. Nothing real.

"Kitten", and the husky voice was as warm as the arms pressed around him, "You did great. I loved every second of tonight." Another kiss to the nape of his neck, the red leather collar nudged lightly to scratch his skin.

His heart whispered all the little wishes he had for the two of them about cozy nights in front of the fireplace and lustful moments behind a countertop and the funny things inbetween. Was this a dream he could make real? Or would it backfire as his hip hop dreams had? Life was better with it coming true. "What's this anyway?", he tried to take the small jewel case from Nicolas's hand.

The hand flinched back, "Better not now." A long, sweet kiss on their lips, soft movements of soft skin against each other and the tips of their tongues touched with tenderness. "You open it later." The box set on the nightstand.

"But it's my gift." Marshall sat up missing the tail inside him. Why did it always have to leave? He reached over his boyfriend and picked the dark box up again. A little smirk about the fact that Nicolas treated cockrings like fine jewelry. It's why they made a good couple. "What?", surprise held his voice as he opened it. It was indeed a ring, silver with a light blue gem embedded.

"Will you marry me?", Nicolas asked with too long vowels, his hands moving quietly with the signs. Eyes full with affection.

Surprised and disbelieving Marshall stared at his boyfriend. "What?", he asked again. He must be dreaming! This couldn't be real. Why would anyone ask this question of him? More so someone who knew so intimately well that Marshall cheated every chance he got. Hardly a month went by without him fucking a person who wasn't his boyfriend, sometimes in front of his boyfriend. Heat and want pulling him into arms and beds unknown. Life was the most exciting with a microphone in front of his mouth or with a dick between his lips. Marshall didn't make the rules. The ring gleamed with question.

Taunting thing. Didn't it know this was futile? Tomorrow he'd be on Ryan's dick again, riding his friend in the studio. A little anticipation rose with the thought. The only person he fucked with for the last couple of weeks because even when he prepared for his boyfriend to fuck him without protection Marshall couldn't keep his hands away from Ryan.

"Don't answer now." Nicolas's hand curled around Marshall's and forced him to close the little jewel case. No ring, no proposal.

Eyes restlessly hopping between the ring now hidden and his boyfriend's face. Nicolas not only knew, sometimes he even made it happen and yet he was asking this? They shouldn't be in a relationship much less in a marriage together. Not when his boyfriend needed to call him prostitutes every once in a while, giving up that life entirely except for the parts convenient to Marshall. Honestly, those nights were often the best. Little elaborate sex adventures that completely knocked out his mind not for a few moments but for hours, sometimes days. Wrong to love Nicolas for the great sex with others.

Spoiled in all the best and worst ways. Had he never expected to make it this far, with Nicolas it felt like he could go to the farthest reaches. Trust deeply that his boyfriend would hold him regardless how Marshall was the worst. Single-mindedly focused on music, failing at everything else, fucking around too much, forgetting when his friends needed him. Nicolas stood by him, no reasons why. He picked up the mess that Marshall was turning himself into repeatedly and put it back together. Too much work for no reward.

"Take your time", Nicolas reassured and with rough fingertips he pried the little box from Marshall's grip. A little patient smile.

Not good enough, Marshall couldn't return the smile. He didn't need time, the right answer was as clear as day. Perhaps the last five years had been all well and good, he had certainly enjoyed them. Glad that Nicolas didn't mind all the cheating and fucking around, and that he put up with Marshall's mind being an unfixable mess. Marshall had forgiven that this was his life: too famous and too intense. Sometimes he was plain unable to handle himself but now he was living through these moments without alcohol and without drugs. Not always better. But a marriage this was definitely not.

Sometimes Nicolas felt less like a boyfriend and more like a nanny, when the days were bad and the nights worse and all the dreams dead. His mind was racing through all the shitty things Marshall had done, told him to do even shittier things and his body only knew how to react, then his boyfriend was the only person in his corner. Not even Marshall could stand by that version of himself. But Nicolas's arms around him were always true. Not a weight the man should promise to carry for the rest of his life. What had Marshall ever done for him?

"Just be honest, 'kay?", Nicolas suggested softly and laid back into the pillows. The little box put back on the nightstand.

Marshall shook his head, looking bewildered at his boyfriend. This was no time for nonchalance. Whatever his answer was, it would certainly ruin everything. Either he destroyed their relationship by turning this down and effectively ended them here and now. Or he'd become the worst husband again, and in comparison this was him being an almost considerate and romantic boyfriend. No middle ground to save them. Plus, Marshall had a whole-ass career to lose, as cruel as that sounded. All he ever wanted was the respect and recognition from all the rappers he looked up to. He might lose it all again.

Why this stupid question? Wasn't Nicolas happy with what they had? They didn't need change, they had each other. Marshall let a puff of air out through his nose, frustration with himself. The mellow smile on his boyfriend's lips was a rare sight, the strong, short body lay relaxed on the bed, even the suit made sense now. Nicolas asked out of love not malice, not to make Marshall lose everything but because he believed they would gain something. Marshall couldn't share this faith and with a heavy sigh answered: "I can't."

Nicolas raised his eyebrows skeptically, a short flick of index fingers against each other asked: »Can't?« He stretched one hand out for rough fingers to lie around Marshall's neck. The red leather collar twitched lightly. "Don't answer now." A soft kiss.

"I mean, ain't like I don't love you, I do", Marshall hastily explained the indefensible. "The last five years were awesome and I want the next five years to be just as great, but … I mean - Come on, look at who you're proposing to. I'm no husband material, I'm barely boyfriend material. And I tried, God did I try. I'm two times divorced, that should tell you everything." He bit his lips.

»I know«, Nicolas tipped against his skull, still softly smiling and even the shadows beneath his eyes seemed less dark. "Take your time", he repeated, husky voice calm and patient. The thumb stroked lovingly along Marshall's neck, sliding the collar upwards.

"Like", Marshall had so much more to explain, where to even begin?, "You really wanna be my dirty secret forever? You deserve better than this and I … I can't give you that, not really. We'd always have to hide, more so if everybody knew. Believe me, you don't wanna read your name in a headline. It sucks. Especially next to mine, nothing good comes of that. You won't be free with me."

* * *

»I wasn't born free, I don't expect to die free«, Nicolas answered and pushed his body upright again, crossing his legs to sit better and be on eye level. Projecting calmness didn't reassure Marshall now, being a slutty kitten usually left him stirred up and a little raw inside, nothing a good hug couldn't tame. Nicolas removed his tie and shirt.

Certainly not a state for a heavy decision like this but as usual Marshall threw all good advice out the proverbial window. Expected, honestly. He probably should've put the ring in a drawer for a few days when Marshall didn't open it right away. Hindsight was 20/20. "I love you, Kitten", he said using his voice knowing it soothed Marshall. As would a long, warm hug and their hands stroking skin.

Of course his love rejected the idea of marriage at first, always hesitant to follow his feelings and to allow himself some romance. They had needed months to find a way to love each other when they had first begun but all the heartbreak was worth it now. For Nicolas it was at least. So he opened his arms to pull Marshall into a warm embrace. "If you only hold me tight."

Refuting that any of this was bad. "We'll be holding on forever." If they married or if they didn't, they would be here together. Their arms tangled around one another, skin touching skin and on Nicolas's shoulder Marshall could rest his head. A soft kiss to the temple. "I love you."

A feeling Nicolas expected to vanish soon, that he was lying to himself and incapable of feeling it in the first place. Wasn't he a weapon only? Five years later he still felt it, all the warmth and affection, the want to fight for Marshall and the wish to be held by him, sadness overcoming whenever his Kitten was hurting and brightness sparking inside whenever his Ice Princess was brimming with joy.

But he knew Marshall's darkness never went completely away, sometimes rearing its ugly head yet again. Not tonight, not fully, only its shadows reached out for them. Making Marshall doubt himself, that he was never good enough and that he never deserved good things. Nicolas expected these instincts to answer first.

Not a rejection of their love but a temporary surrender to self-doubt, anxiety and paranoia. He pressed his love closer to his chest, perhaps if they felt each other's heartbeat the true answer could be found. It might still be no. Nicolas asked out of sentimentality, nothing pragmatic or useful behind his proposal only the silly wish to make a grand promise to the both of them and to celebrate what they had in a different way than this night did. Ultimately vain and trivial all things considered, and understandable if Marshall didn't want to take part in any of this. "Together we can take it to the end of the line."

He'd follow Marshall anywhere. "Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time." Marshall's arms around him grew stronger, Nicolas did the same holding on tightly to the person he loved so dearly. Hands slowly stroking up and down the other's back, hopefully soothing. "I'm here." Probably the most surprising thing about this all was how they found love in each other. Nicolas wouldn't have ever believed to stand here and ask for somebody's hand in marriage. A silly thing normal people did but nothing he could afford, or so he had thought. With Marshall even someone like him could do normal, silly things and chase after romantic ideals. Just asking was enough of a wonder, the answer didn't actually matter. Hell, even if they'd actually ended their relationship Nicolas would still love him and protect him and die for him. He wanted to devote his life to this man but asking for a wedding seemed less homicidal in nature. Barely.

Everything with Marshall was new and thrilling and unknowable, the initial rejection Nicolas expected and didn't heed but the actual answer? Could go either way. No, because of the darkness in Marshall not allowing him to enjoy his life, because of the failed loves in his past holding him back, because he wanted to please his fans and idols more than he loved Nicolas. Which was fine, Nicolas wasn't an important person and should stay in the background. It was hell of a lot to ask Marshall to base his life around a criminal, there was much for his love to lose. Understandable if this sentimental, silly, egotistic thing wasn't worth the trouble. Nicolas wasn't sure it could be worthwhile. Love wasn't enough.

Or perhaps it was? Marshall might say yes. Unlikely but not impossible, he often thought with his heart and his gut first and only third with his brain. A habit Nicolas loved, it made life so much more vivid. Easy for Marshall to fill a room with passion, to draw all attention to center on him, and more often than not Nicolas was witness to the lewd and lusty scene that followed. It was delightful to see Marshall squirm between needing everyone's eyes and hands on him, but also being shy and a soft soul. Nicolas's duty to protect him from harm.

Perhaps his love came up with a third option? Marshall did everything his own way, spite, principles and a strong will guiding his actions, that's how he became this famous, crazily skilled artist and Nicolas had no doubts this translated into every aspect of life. And he was here for it.

If Marshall found his very own way to take their relationship to the next level, it surely was better than anything normal people did or what Nicolas could come up with. He didn't know romance, he didn't know love. Broken soul.

In that they belonged together, sadly. This one thing Nicolas knew for certain: He wanted to be with Marshall, wanted to worship his Ice Princess and wanted to spoil his Kitten. Because his love deserved it all. "Forever's gonna start tonight."

* * *

His boyfriend's dark voice in Marshall's ear was soothing, the smell of cool stones after rain enveloped him, the other's heat radiating from his skin and every tiny scar. Marshall's face pressed into Nicolas's neck. "But I-", wanted the best for him? Corny, but true. He wasn't the best for Nicolas. "But you deserve better." A plain, painful truth. His heart aching and bleeding for his boyfriend to have fallen in love with him, a gift he wouldn't let go off but also a curse he had put on the other man.

Arms tightly wound around Nicolas's shoulders, pressing them ever closer against each other. "You should leave me", a smothered whisper into the crook of his neck, fingers grabbed hard for strands of spiky black hair that was soft to the touch. "I'll ruin your life", and he couldn't live with that.

"There's nothing I can do", they'd be divorced in a matter of months, no question. His last marriage hadn't even last half a year, no will left to fight for it anymore. Only exhaustion, feelings drained. Easier to run away from it all and give up. She hadn't deserved that. Fuck.

Neither did Nicolas. His boyfriend was so good to Marshall, he barely comprehended how this was real. Not just the sex, that was the least important part of it all, just the loudest and most fun. But all the moments before and after and inbetween, the soft touches, the gentle whispers, the fond looks and the tender presence. They were in love.

Deeply. Even Marshall couldn't deny. When Nicolas held him like this, his heart swelled. When Nicolas took some of the dark thoughts away, he felt all homey inside. When Nicolas cheered on one of his silly ideas, he could take the world. When Nicolas smiled at him, his mood always brightened. Nicolas came up with so many little surprises, it didn't need to be fancy when it was made with genuine care. Some of them sex related, sometimes a playdate with his daughters and when it was just the two of them watching a movie, the normalcy could make Marshall tear up.

How did he hold on to this? "Buttons", a whimper about the inevitable. Nothing lasted forever, and perhaps love could but marriage never did. "Don't leave me", a forlorn plea to their future and Marshall couldn't care less how pathetic it sounded. He had to reject Nicolas's offer but that was also rejecting his love, which Marshall wanted so much. Whatever step he took was wrong. A desperate lump in his throat. He wanted nothing more than to be Nicolas's adorable slut.

"Nothing I can say …", all words futile, "I love you." A hollow phrase when he couldn't follow it up with actions. And he wouldn't. No marriage, more sex with strangers. That's their future, these were his actions. Where was this love?

He pushed himself away from Nicolas, breaking the tight embrace. A rough wipe across his cheeks, no tears allowed, no comfort earned. Marshall was at fault for destroying this relationship as well, had taken him long enough. A fist circling across his chest, hardly enough. Five years probably was more love than fate had ordained him, too much luck in his life.

"Don't decide now", Nicolas answered and his face drew into a tight frown. A hand climbing back up to Marshall's neck, rough fingertips squeezing softly and the red leather collar bounced with their movements. A gesture that often calmed Marshall down. "Lie here with me", a tentative smile, a humble ask. Often the best way to contain Marshall's loudly shouting and deeply spiraling thoughts, to keep him from falling down. Good to feel somebody else than him. Nicolas was that good somebody.

Nicolas pulled him back into the embrace, their skin touching all over again and slowly falling back onto the bed. "Shh."

Strong arms held him and Marshall gave in. His heart whispered words of courage that hardly made it through the doubt. Nicolas was by his side. He felt the heat radiating from the body and rough fingertips gently stroking his back.

A strong heart beat in the chest beneath tattoos meant for him. Marshall's thumb softly rubbed across the little crown encircled by snowflakes, a pledge to who they wanted to be: human and in love and happy. Most of these things were unattainable. The past happened, both of them had to live with it. The people Nicolas had murdered didn't magically come to life again and his boyfriend didn't regret it.

Perhaps Marshall shouldn't look the other way, certainly so, but he knew deep down Nicolas wasn't a bad person. To Marshall he'd never been bad. Sometimes that was enough. Not lost on him how this was a special day and how Nicolas hushed his answer. Doubting that he'd deserve a Yes?

"I'm here", the husky voice promised. Nicolas put Marshall ahead of himself too often, accepting Marshall's fears but ignoring his own.

Was this one of these moments? Marshall raised his head and saw tender affection in the eyes that knew no light. Not one of those days when his wish for death was palpable. Relief. A shy smile between them. They've been together five years, this question had to come up eventually.

Not an attempt to destroy them but to honor what they had. His boyfriend probably knew that Marshall liked the idea of marriage. After all, he had married his high school sweetheart twice, that was no accident. Sadly it never lasted long. But Nicolas accepted how he was, including the long hours in the studio, always obsessing over music and writing rhymes on everything. Accepted that Marshall gave an arm for his daughters if necessary, and only for them. Love wasn't equal.

He fucked with many people in his life but trust was hard to come by, Nicolas had never rushed him. Even now he didn't and accepted Marshall's pace, trying to take away pressure. Accepted that Marshall was afraid of their relationship, that he rather sabotage than support them. Because he loved Nicolas and couldn't handle it. His boyfriend stayed by his side with patience and devotion. Sometimes loving the anger and desperation and tears Marshall couldn't help but feel. Finding beauty everywhere.

"Listen to what you really want", Nicolas said, a kiss to Marshall's forehead. Hands stroking up and down the naked body.

Marshall closed his eyes and rested his head on his boyfriend's shoulder again. He should've opened the little box tomorrow, insides still raw from being Nicolas's adorable slut tonight. Ecstatic and empty at the same time, ain't good for big decisions.

But Nicolas was the only person who loved him like this. Who enjoyed the fun sex could be with him but also knew one person couldn't satisfy Marshall. He wasn't made to be with only one person. Everyone else grew either indifferent or jealous, only Nicolas kept loving him. Five years he was his adorable slut and his boyfriend still wanted more, another five years and a marriage even. Easy to believe their relationship stayed open even with rings on their fingers.

He peeked past Nicolas's shoulder to the nightstand, to the jewel case. Last time someone had hushed him up about a marriage proposal it hadn't been out of worry for his mental state, but because that person hadn't believed in their relationship. He couldn't fault Kim for being skeptical and for trying to defend her heart from more pain he would cause.

Rough hands stroking warm traces over Marshall's back. "I'm here, Kitten", a promise to soothe his fears. Nicolas knew him well.

Five years felt like the blink of an eye and like an eternity simultaneously. Marshall knew most of his life had been without this man but he had a hard time remembering how. Had this embrace not made his childhood better?

Wishing they could've met sooner, that they both could've been spared some of the pain. Perhaps they wouldn't be this broken? That's all tonight had been, if a slutty kitten made Nicolas's day better then Marshall loved giving it to him. He had not much else to give. Hiring him a no brainer, Nicolas deserved having his life in his own hands.

Being his own person, a wish they both harbored. The past telling them they weren't. Only a mouth to fuck, only a sword to kill. For each other they were a whole universe, magical and wondrous. Lying in each other's arm made life worthwhile, more than sex did, more than a song did, more than a fight did. Marshall looked up, meeting eyes too black to be real. "I love you."

"I love you, too", vowels too long and the dark voice too soft. No hesitation, no disguise. A light kiss between them, lips lying on top of each other to touch softly, to have one more connection between them. Truth bright.

"So much", Marshall whispered, breaking the kiss, "But I can't", breaking his heart. "I can't be truly out, not to the public. I sound like an asshole saying that, saying that my music is more important than you … But it is important and - and I can't lose it. This is all I know. This is all I am." Fingers played with the spiky black hair that he could stroke through all day.

A short nod, "That's okay." No malice in Nicolas's voice, no regret. Hands stroking up and down Marshall's back unwavering. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do." The foundation of their relationship, so simple yet so wholesome.

"I just fuck it up anyway", if it wasn't a rhyme Marshall rarely made it work. "Like, sure you probably say we can leave it open still but what's the point of marriage then? And I can't stop cheating, we both know that. That's no basis, that ain't the next step. We won't make a family either - I mean, I already have one and … I'm so sorry." He bit his lips hard.

* * *

With his thumb Nicolas stroked over Marshall's cheek, the blue eyes glistening with tears forbidden to fall. A clear winter sky drowning in tears was his favorite picture, he rather have them tears of lust and desperation than sadness. "You are my family", he said, "And I need you now tonight." A soft kiss to the tip of Marshall's perky nose.

Nicolas stretched his arm out to the nightstand, to the little jewel case. "And I need you more than ever." Hand clutching the tiny box, pulling it in. He opened it again, the silver ring with the light blue gem sparkled in the soft light. Perhaps now was as good a moment as any if only he did it properly. Marshall would worry his little head anyway, that's just what he did.

It was Nicolas's duty to make those worries disappear, to give Marshall all the reasons and all the strength to follow his own heart. "I know you and the wider public have a hard time with each other, you don't want them in here, you want to protect me from them and I appreciate that. You will never have to put yourself out there more than you can handle - not for me."

Marshall biting his lips was too cute, eyes drawn back again and again to the ring. "I'm fine with being your little secret", Nicolas explained things Marshall should know but his darkness often made him forget. "I was born in the shadows, I'm comfortable here. You're the only light I need."

A soft kiss to Marshall's lips, a startled twitch of the nose. "Don't worry about me and the public, I don't care for them. I'll be following your lead wherever you decide to go. All I want is being at your side, that's the place I decided to belong. That's why I want to marry you, and we'll only be making it right." Pointed fingers took the ring from its velvet bed.

"'Cause we'll never be wrong." The light blue gem reflected in Marshall's light blue eyes, the same bright winter sky. The little box fell down on the mattress, not needed anymore. How a little piece of metal could mean so many things, astonishing. »Will you marry me?«, he signed one-handedly.

»Bright eyes«, Nicolas signed with the affection he felt for his love, »Sometimes at night I feel lonely and sad but I don't know what I'm missing. Sometimes at night I have marvelous dreams but when I wake up fear is left to torment me. Sometimes at night I lie alone in the dark waiting but what I'm waiting for is hazy and vague. Sometimes at night I sense this irresistible temptation for peril in me.« A stutter in his hands, this was hard and easy at the same time. »I can hear a voice. I hear a voice calling out for me.« He stroked along Marshall's cheeks. »It's your voice, Ice Princess.«

Softly Marshall shook his head, eyes steady on Nicolas. »Sometimes at night I feel the power of a spell moving me unseen. Sometimes at night I feel helpless and I wish someone would come save and protect me. Sometimes at night I can't wait any longer to feel like a human and be free. Sometimes at night I want to do all that is forbidden and I don't care for any consequence.« He put a kiss on Marshall's lips, his love biting them again. »I feel a longing searching for my heart«, and Nicolas raised Marshall's hand to slide the ring on his finger. Light blue gleaming in the soft light. »To be free is losing oneself. I can understand myself in you and whatever you dream of, I want it to be true. Nothing and no one can separate me from you. Between abyss and light, I want to burn all doubts away for you.« The words a steady stream from his hands.

For months he had agonized over what to say but now it's crystal clear. »Let's forget time. I fight in your darkness and carry you far, because you are the wonder that reconciles me with reality. My heart is like dynamite and for all of my life it yearned for a spark. I didn't know what to do, I was always in the dark. You have awoken me to life. I was aching for somebody to lose my heart to, now I'm losing my mind in a sea of feelings that's carrying me off shore.« Not that Nicolas had really hoped for any of this, his life didn't know good, only pain. These feelings and the life with Marshall was worth the pain.

»Once upon a time I thought no love would break this spell, that I'm trapped in this misery until the day I die. But I met you and you broke me in two. I've been falling ever since, always closer to you. Sometimes at night I wonder if I should be fleeing from you while I still can but then you're calling my name and I'll willingly follow you to the edges of the world. I'd go to hell for you with a smile. Sometimes at night I wish for the moment I can belong entirely to you.« He kissed the ring.

Seeing the shocked and stunned expression on Marshall's face, Nicolas had to smirk. »Sometimes at night I wish I could be the person you need even when it means not being me. Then I remember, I wasn't a person before I met you and all I am is thanks to you.«

At least the pieces of him Nicolas wanted to be. Being with Marshall brought out the best sides of him, sides he had believed to be long dead. With Marshall he wasn't a monster anymore, just a human awkwardly in love.

"I don't want to be anywhere else but your side", he used his voice again because Marshall loved it so much. "Let's start forever tonight and say yes. No fears, no worries, no doubts needed. Just us." He kissed his Kitten.

* * *

The kiss was soft and warm, Marshall wrapped his arms around Nicolas's neck and pressed himself closer. "Oh God", he stuttered between their lips, "you're insane." His chest swelled with every sign more and he wanted to suck the fingers down so they'd stop making his heart cry with happiness, that's the best Yes he knew. Everything inside him tingled with heat, was engulfing him from head to toe, reaching his heart and his soul. Once upon a time Marshall had been falling in love but it had never felt like this.

"Oh my God", he whispered between their lips. Words Nicolas couldn't hear but Marshall was sure he'd know them anyway. Nicolas always knew. Even now he knew what to say, which words and signs would calm Marshall down, would sweep away doubts, would open his heart to what he truly felt.

Because Nicolas knew that Marshall loved him just as much. Regardless that he was bad at showing it and worse at saying it. Regardless that their relationship was different from anyone else's, they had their own rules and promises. Nicolas loved Marshall not despite but because he was an adorable slut.

His little Kitten. His Ice Princess. Marshall wiped tears from the corner of his eyes, affection overflowing inside him. "Fuck, you can't just say all that", he muttered, his mouth working through the amazement. Nicolas's thin lips drawn into a smile that always had a mean hint to it but now mostly shone in bright love. A gleam in the black eyes.

"Yes", Marshall finally gave his answer, his real answer. Of course yes. Another soft kiss, no better answer than a kiss. "Yes, goddamnit, yes." Mouth broken, brain broken. The light blue gem sparkled in the soft light, sitting pleased on his hand. "I love you, Buttons", rarely a sentence that tasted this much like truth. Even if they crashed and burned eventually, inevitably, Marshall couldn't think of a person he wanted to crash with more. There was light in his life. "Yes, let's fucking marry", excitement colored his voice, a little laugh bubbling out of him. Another kiss filled with their dreams.

Warm, rough fingertips caressed his back and Marshall sighed into his boyfriend's mouth. His nerves still sensitive from the celebration before but wanting to celebrate all over again. Five years were behind them but a whole future was ahead of them. Uncertain how long they'd stay with each other, if Marshall could ever make a marriage work but there was love in the dark. Hopes and wishes. Marshall raked his fingers through the spiky black hair. "Wanna play with your Kitten again?"

A rough laugh from Nicolas. The deep voice made Marshall shiver, a hot wave of desire flooding him. No worries that his boyfriend would misunderstand, Nicolas knew and accepted that Marshall was like this: A rhyming obsessed and sex possessed mess.

Nicolas's hand reached out to the nightstand again, the headband lying in its drawer. A few seconds and soft red cat ears decorated the top of Marshall's head again. A smirk on his boyfriend's lips that Marshall had to answer with a beaming, proud smile. They should stay like this forever. Small, light kisses while they lay close together, skin touching everywhere.

"You wanna", Marshall mumbled between kisses, "You wanna do it fancy? Like with tuxedo's and shit?" Nicolas looked stunning in a suit, Marshall definitely wanted this at their wedding. "And at a church or something? Like traditional? It's supposed to be the best day of your life, you know." To be fair, his past wedding's had been great. Just not the marriages.

"Or you wanna", he interrupted more kisses, "Go more Japanese with it? Do it how your mom couldn't, maybe her spirit'll be there." A wedding wouldn't make up for the family Nicolas never had but if there were bonds to be unearthed Marshall would gladly move heaven and hell. "We'll make her proud. And, also, her son looks stunning in a kimono."

"You're an idiot", Nicolas smirked and rolled them over. His warm weight lying on top of Marshall, a thumb caressing the neck and moving the red leather collar softly.

A purr from Marshall's throat. "I'm your idiot, Buttons, now and forever."

"I thought more that you be my Ice Princess?" The little blush on Nicolas's cheeks almost invisible in the dim light. "With a big flowing white dress."

"I'm not a virgin", Marshall laughed quietly, "Not for sex and not for weddings."

A loving kiss.

"How 'bout", he poked Nicolas excited, "We honeymoon in Japan? You love those little inns so much, right …"


End file.
